Worry.
This is something that I have struggled with my whole life. Until recently I thought for the most part I had the worrying down to a healthy amount. Once again, I was wrong. I realized that instead of worrying less, I was just building it up.Recently I left my job at Youth Villages as a family counselor. This was (as you can read in my other blogs) an extremely hard decision I had to make. I loved my job. I loved what I did, I loved who I worked with and for. The job as a family counselor was extremely intense, but I had a skill for it and yearned to learn more and improve. Due to circumstances that I had no control over, I had to resign and begin my life over.
Moving back in with the parents.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents to pieces (and no, I am not just saying that because I know they will be reading this!), but moving back in has been one heck of a challenge. I have always been the rebellious one. I never smoked pot, only tried sneaking out of the house once (which failed horribly when my grandmother caught me!), never went to late night parties with underage drinking. But I was rebellious is taking the hard road with decisions. Dating the wrong guys over and over again because the parents said no, receiving many speeding tickets, distancing myself from the family on purpose. I had made a lot of mistakes, and had caused a lot of heart ache for my family and myself because of this.
Now, I am by no means perfect now, or make all the right decisions, but for ONCE I am going to the parents, and having to start over when it was NOT my fault. Mentally I have found that it is hard for me, and I believe for my parents as well to handle living with them when I am not the cause.
I have no problem, in fact I have grown to enjoy being single and young (when all the friends are married and having children). However, being single and moving in with the parents has been difficult. Again, I think it has caused barriers mentally with being home. I am used to visiting as an adult, and living as a troubled high schooler. So are the parents, and the brother!
My parents I know have bent over backwards to try to make the move a smooth transition and an easy one. I did not help (the rebellious/angry side coming out). I have and do continue to try harder. But for some reason defenses fly and high school behavior returns. YUCK!
Independence
Along with being rebellious, I am also extremely independent. More so than anyone else in the family. I enjoy being along, and in fact, need my freedom. I have always wanted this, and this was a cause of a lot of the rebellion as a "youngster" (ha ha). Now, I have come to find it has a gift (with the help of some friends, Amber!).
This independence has caused moving back in the parents to also be extremely hard and cause a lot of stress. But have realized how blessed I am that I have parents to lean on in the time of need.
Point
Okay, now to the point of all of this. I have discovered that I have a great sense of fear, and worry about it constantly. I am currently in Memphis, loving my time here with friends and family (Harris family). Before I arrived I decided I would stay for a week and hopefully get some interviews lined up for a potential job. Before I came I began to realized that I was making slow progress in completely my resume and looking for jobs (anywhere, not just in Memphis). This is when I discovered my fear.
What if my resume does not catch anyone's eye?
What if I am rejected after an interview?
What if no one wants to interview me?
What if there are too many Jobs offers? Not enough?
What if I make the wrong decision and God wanted me in Italy (ha ha) instead?!
Once I realized I had this fear I began talking about it with some friends. Hoping for responses like "Leah, you are amazing you will get the best job ever" or "I understand hun, I am so sorry. This must suck". I vented to several friends for what seemed like hours. And the wonderful guy response from Jon was "You will be fine, it will work out". And my wonderful friend Amber said "Oh Leah (classic response from her!), God has you, it will all work out." They both continued (without knowing what the other one was saying) by telling me to stop worrying and suck it up.
At first I was upset, I did not get the empathic "woe is me" response I was looking for. But then it hit me, "Duh!" They were right. My friend Jon has a tendency to remind me (apparently I owe him the greatest appreciation because I did not realize how much I worried) that I have no control. Whatever I am worrying about, whether it is parents coming home 4 hrs after saying they would when I am babysitting, or if I will get my dream job I have no control. It is all in God's hands. And has I have been told over and over again.. Where is it going to get me? Worrying?
I have control over completing my resume, and I have control over seeking out jobs. I can control if I seek God and his direction in my life. I cannot control my family (sad I know!), I cannot control responses my friends may give me, or if I will be living tomorrow. I can however control worrying and what I choose and choose not to lean on my Savior for.
God has blessed me with so much. I have a family that I can lean on, trust, and will always know and see their unconditional love. I have great friendships that continue to grow who are not shy in telling me what I need to hear as opposed to what I want to hear. I have a new family, the Harris's that have shown me such love and acceptance by welcoming me into their home, their lives and are using their own connections to help me find a job and place to live (if God desires me to live in Memphis).
What will worrying get me? Nothing but heart ache.
What do I have to worry about? Nothing.
God does have me. His plan is bigger than I can ever imagine.
If I worry, I will miss the daisy's as I walk pass them. I will forget to look up at the stars and ponder their beauty. If I worry I may miss the oppurtunity to share God's love. If I worry I could miss God's directions.
So thank you dear family and friends. Your love, care, and efforts are appreciated more than I can ever express.
Leah
